I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
