This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
