you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
