not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
