She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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