Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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