I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
