Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
