Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
