Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
