Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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