i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
then he tried to convert me to islam
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
