uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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