Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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