All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm passing your future prison.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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