go do what you do best...puke behind churches
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
