I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
