i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
