Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
