Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
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