cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
