I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
