Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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