it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
