he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
