can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
