I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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