saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
