"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
