Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
My friends, they love my intelligence
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
