They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
