i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
