I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
