Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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