is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
