Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm just crazy horny about you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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