According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
