Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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