i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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