where am i from again
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
