So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
