Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
