I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
