On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
