Just fell off a train. Bad.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
