Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
