my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
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a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
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He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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