I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
