No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
