hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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