The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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