I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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