K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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