Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
